Cheating

Building on my last post about handling a cheater, I'd like to take a little more of an in-depth look into cheating.

For those of you that do not know me personally, I play Magic: The Gathering quite seriously. In recent days, there have been a rash of bannings for cheating, which has prompted me to think about this subject in terms of dating. I typically save my long posts for Mondays or Tuesdays, but I felt like I should write about this subject. I am going to be very blunt both in my proposed questions and answers to those questions.

When a person cheats in a relationship, does this bring about a stigma that they will do it again? Once a cheater, always a cheater?

The answer is no, it does not mean that.  A one-time offense of cheating does not set you on the path of unfaithfulness for the rest of your life, and neither should anyone assume your character will be forever questionable as a result. I do believe that you need to exercise slightly more caution when courting someone or being courted by someone who has cheated before, but do not let it completely rule your judgment.

Examine the facts behind the incidence of cheating. Was it done under the cloud of liquor? Perhaps the relationship had already gone sour and was moving towards a breakup. Maybe things were just fine, and someone was just feeling like they needed to do something very stupid. In any case, there is always a reason for one’s actions, whether the reasoning is good or not. It is up to you to determine if you are comfortable with the reasoning and can date someone who previously cheated. You are not doing this to see if the cheating is justified. Let me be clear that cheating is never, ever justified. You are just trying to get the facts of the situation down.

Let’s look at this from the standpoint of the cheater. Are you now completely untrustworthy? No, you aren’t. Just because you cheated once does not mean that you are an utter sack of lying shit. However, if someone you are trying to court or are being courted by inquiries on the circumstances behind your cheating, I heavily advise that you are as open and honest about it as you can be. No matter how scathing the action was, you need to be upfront, because if that person finds out through back channels, you can kiss any chance with him/her goodbye.

You also need to show that you have developed the emotional maturity to move beyond your one-time mistake. If you admit that you did something wrong, that’s half the atonement right there. Now all you need to do is show that you won’t do it again. I have great respect for people who can do this, and your love interest should as well.

I now come to the multiple offender. The serial cheater. Loves putting his d**k in so many different orifices that they could call his junk a shovel. Do the same pieces of advice and rules apply here? Here comes my bluntness. Never date a serial cheater. Do not associate yourself with that kind of person. They are a serial cheater for a reason-they have a problem and they cannot stop. They need some sort of professional help to break the habit. Unless you are that person, it is not worth your time. These people have not matured past their problem like the one-and-done cheaters, and will only continue to cause emotional duress.

I understand this subject is very sensitive, and hope that I have not offended anyone. Much love to all my readers.

How To Handle Being Cheated On

I will preface this post by saying that I have never been a victim of nor a culprit of cheating. I believe myself to be very fortunate for this, but as such, some may find my opinions to be not as well-founded as someone who has experienced this pain. Whether or not your feel this way, I believe I have a good opinion on the matter.

Being cheated on is never a good place to be. You put your trust and faith in a person, he/she turns around and spits it right back in your face. What do you do? Do you completely cut ties with this person? Do you try to work things out? Do you ignore it and move on?

I know that the third hypothetical is rather odd sounding, but I included it to help develop my argument. I cannot stress how important it is NOT to ignore an obvious cheat. Do not do it. It is unhealthy for your psyche and for your relationship. it sends a message to your partner that he/she can go about being unfaithful as he/she pleases. You need to be mature, open, and confrontational when cheated on. If there is evidence to support it, take it seriously. Make sure it is strong evidence, of course, and do not jump at even the slightest hint of cheating every two seconds. This makes you look like the untrustworthy one.

So, you are presented with substantial and well-founded evidence that you have been cheated on. Your boy/girlfriend had a few drinks last night while out with his friends and hooked up with this girl. A number of people tell you about it, and you confront him about it. He shows remorse and swears it will never happen again. What do you do?

There are a number of paths you can take. You can have a civil discussion about what happened and give him/her ample opportunity to explain his/her actions. If you feel that it was truly a mistake and that he/she truly didn’t mean to do it, you can probably forgive him/her. I would advise that you keep a close eye on him/her though if he/she puts him/herself in a situation similar to when he/she cheated.

If you aren’t a fan of the one strike rule, you can simple cut ties with that person no matter what explanation he/she gives you. I want you to know that this is perfectly understandable and would be what I would do in this situation. Sometimes the emotional damage is too great to overcome, and you’re better off just ending things rather than dragging your feet through something that you believe is broken.

Whatever your decision ends up being, make sure you can justify it to yourself and others. Don’t shake people off if they think you should think more carefully about it.

In closing, I would personally advise that you never go beyond a one strike rule. Cheating is a serious offense. The first time could truly be one hell of an accident, but anything beyond it is a pattern in my eyes.